Nov 19, 2015

The Holy Spirit’s Healing And Jesus’ Love—Recovery From Borderline Personality Disorder



“There was a world within me that I called Borderline. It was a dark world, a place I thought I would never escape. It tortured me with emotions that controlled me and held me captive in my own mind. There was this deep sense of emptiness within my core that dragged my soul to that valley of death. My heart cried out such heavy tears from wretched inner pain—I kept dying within this dark world. The days were few when I seemed to surface to God’s Light, but how glorious they were when it happened. Still, the darkness would come, until one day, I was truly blessed because I chose the Holy Spirit and He healed my wounded soul. Then, my Borderline world had no choice but to set me free.”  Chantal   


Eventually, we get to a point along our recovery journey where after many years, we reach our goal—freedom from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I believe without doubt that recovery from this mental illness is possible. I always have since the beginning of my own recovery journey three years ago. However, I never knew exactly what would be the turning point. I now believe that it is through the healing of our wounded soul that we are set free from the inner pain of BPD.

During my life, and the recovery process of these past years, I lived with tormenting symptoms of BPD, whereas presently I am barely symptomatic. I no longer live with the destructive emotions and their extreme highs and lows. I no longer have automatic negative thoughts and experience impulsive behavior. My anger is under control and the fear of rejection and abandonment has subsided. I have gained a better sense of self-identity, accepting myself in a new positive way. At times I feel worthy of good things and the love of self is slowly increasing. Furthermore, the anxiety and depression have lifted, and, the deep emptiness that caused my ideations of self-harm and suicide, are gone.

Nonetheless, the road to recovery has been extremely painful. There have been good days but mostly bad ones, highs but agonizing lows, healing stages but major breakdowns, grace-filled moments but dark ones as well. All in all it has been anguishing and other times restoring. This was to be expected as I committed to the healing process, which I knew would take years. What came unexpectedly were those moments when I realized that I was reaching recovery. This started to happen six months ago. I always believed that God is my ultimate Healer and in the end, it has been through my spirituality that I have been healed from BPD.

I experienced spiritual transformation during these past three years. I was reborn, receiving a new life in Christ. I found a hope in God and a new beginning, I started to trust Him, I finally understood that faith was more important than emotions, I am in the midst of experiencing a new love for Jesus, and now my soul has finally healed from its wounds because of the power of the Holy Spirit. I desired and prayed to Him for recovery from my mental illness and through baptism, He freed me from the turmoil I lived with for so long. It was because I wanted to receive Him in my heart and soul that I am forever changed.

There were other factors that contributed to my healing—my family and the comfort of a new spiritual life. Therapy helped me to turn those negative thoughts into positive ones, to fear less rejection, and, to build that positive sense of identity, worthiness and self-love. Medication helped with the extreme emotions such as that anger, the anxiety, and the depression. However, it was God’s love through the Holy Spirit, which finally set my wounded soul free from the deep emptiness and darkness.

My soul needed the grace of the Holy Spirit to save me from the desolation; to finally end the torment I endured all these years. It was unbearable to live such spiritual death. There was no light, no hope, only aloneness and darkness.  I was whole when my soul was in me, but when it would be dragged to that dark valley, I could feel emptiness, hollowness and nothingness within my core. There was no God, but how I longed for Him. As mentioned, sometimes my soul resurfaced to the Light and I would experience this reverence and awe for God, until the emptiness and darkness would consume me once again. The beautiful soul simply desiring to be with God and to serve Him, would escape me. I wanted to end all my suffering but something kept me alive. It was my faith.  Even if I could not sense God, a part of me knew He was still there, and that He would heal me from my BPD one day. Therefore, He did. I am amazed that the time has finally come, and am grateful.

In Psalm 116, which I have often prayed, the psalmist expresses the desire for the LORD to save his/her life, to have the soul return to its rest, and to be delivered from death. I believe this is what happened to me because I am now at peace. The soul, the very life within me, the place where God and I dwell together, has united. Moreover, I am now happier, healthier and holier.


Equally important, my relationship with Jesus is coming alive in a new way, this time through my heart. When I experienced the emptiness and darkness of my soul, my heart could not be fully open to Jesus’ love. However, now that my wounded soul is healed, my heart is also free. It is no longer in emotional agony.

When I think of verse 10 from Psalm 51, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me.”  God has not only healed my soul, but is cleansing my heart from all the darkness it endured all these years. Psalm 51 was also the first I meditated on at the beginning of my recovery journey. This verse, 10, was always a favorite of mine but it is only now that I fully understand its context for me. Now it is a time for a new heart, a special one where I can grow in Jesus’ love, and renew that personal, intimate relationship with Him that once captivated me three years ago.



To sum up this post…I felt compelled to share this part of my recovery with you. I do believe, as I mentioned, that it is through the soul that an individual with BPD can recover. Because without our soul, who are we? We are incomplete, empty and living in a dark world, distant from our God.

So, when we are in the midst of turmoil whether we are on a recovery journey or not, have faith. There is a God who is so willing to heal your soul. Go to Him, call on the Holy Spirit, and seek Jesus’ love. Believe in your own unique recovery, give it much time, and do not ever give up.

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ…”      Ephesians 3:16-18

Dear Lord,

May the Holy Spirit heal our wounded souls from Borderline Personality Disorder, and may our hearts be filled with Your abundant love.

In Jesus’ Name. Amen.


Please visit my recent blog: Borderline Personality Disorder & Christian Faith at http://borderlinepersonalitychristianfaith.blogspot.ca/




Sep 13, 2015

Finding The Right Support—Healing From Borderline Personality Disorder



Many of us individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) were unaware at one point in our lives, that we even had a mental illness. We knew something was wrong with us due to our irrational and self-destructive behavior, however, we could not understand the negative pattern of thoughts and emotions that seemed to influence our lives. We felt completely alone and afraid, living an erratic yet isolated life, condemning ourselves for all our mistakes. Moreover, we had no idea that we were not the only ones living with such confusion and inner pain. Who would have thought that we had a mental illness, let alone a personality disorder?

Finding out that we have a mental illness can help us to put the pieces of a life-long agonizing puzzle together. As much as a diagnosis can be surprising at times, it can help us to understand why our lives have been so distressing. We still feel that emptiness and aloneness after we know we have BPD, however, there is a strange comfort in knowing that the madness we lived with most of our lives was not just within us but was actually real for others too. We realize we are not alone and that so many others suffer as well, unfortunately. Knowing this can help us to accept the fact that we have BPD and that there is hope for us. Acceptance is one of the many steps we take to overcome this personality disorder. Once we understand that acceptance is key to recovery, we are well on our way towards the most arduous yet blessed journey—the healing of Borderline Personality Disorder. It takes many years to recover from BPD but without a doubt, possible. It takes desire, commitment, and inner strength on our part, in addition, the guidance of supportive people. 

Trying to find someone we can trust to share our inner pain, can take a long time. Just as recovery is a journey in itself, finding guidance can be as well. However, we cannot give up searching for the right people who can help us, that is, who will really listen when others will not. We need people who care and are willing to accept us for who we are. We also need people who can set boundaries for themselves and be patient with us, as sharing our negative thoughts and emotions can be difficult for others to take. We are out of control at times and we need people who can handle crisis and chaos. Ultimately, the people who support us must be trustworthy, kind and willing to make a difference in our lives, even in the smallest way. Due to the nature of BPD and its symptoms, they must be willing to commit to us, just as we must be willing to commit to our recovery. We are the ones who must do the work, however, we cannot heal and grow by ourselves. When we reach out to others who can truly help us, we know we are not so alone. We know we matter.

I remember when I started my therapy sessions with my current therapist. The first weeks, I was indifferent. However, not too long after, I started to find the sessions helpful. Eventually, I made the decision to commit to therapy, this time around. I had come to a point in my life where I could no longer keep living with the pain of mental illness. My overdoses were a clear sign to me that it was time to seek guidance. My therapist introduced me to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) specifically for individuals with personality disorders. I also read a book about a woman who recovered from BPD. This inspired me greatly as I felt a connection. For the first time, I knew there was a glimmer of hope. It has been over three years since I started to receive the support of this therapist. Because I devoted myself to recovery, I am now at a good place along my journey.

I learned and realized many things during these years. My therapist shared his knowledge with me, which I had to decipher for myself. We talked about emotion regulation, perception, purpose, and worthiness. He shared how important it was to challenge my negative thoughts, to forgive myself, and ask myself who I wanted to be in my life. Overall, I had to implement and practice the CBT as best as I could. The Thought Journals were very effective. I learned to understand what emotions I was feeling, how to overcome the unhealthy thought patterns and how to find an alternative thinking style.  I often had to remind myself that even though all of this was challenging, recovery was up to me and how badly I wanted it. I struggled with severe symptoms of BPD in the midst of the journey; there were many times I wanted to give up on life, however I did not. Someone was there to guide me—someone who made a difference.

Someone else that made a difference in my recovery and life was a person who guided me spiritually. His guidance helped me to understand many things about myself and God—that there was a new hope for me, and that I could find it in God. I was encouraged to meditate on Scripture and therefore started to journal. I believe Psalm 51 delivered me from much oppression. Eventually, I started to believe in a newness of life in Christ and could sense my life being transformed spiritually. God was giving me a fresh start, a second chance.

For over three years, this person who guided me spiritually, never rejected me. He taught me that I could trust someone. He was always there to help me pull through my distresses. When in crisis, he guided me out of it. When my days where full of despair, he encouraged me to stay positive and close to God. His reassurance that God was with me even though I could not sense Him at times, was great comfort. Moreover, I was blessed to not feel so alone in the midst of spiritual emptiness. Overall, after my overdoses, this person helped me to believe in a new beginning and to continue to nourish that newness of life in the midst of my mental illness.

It is therefore through therapy, and spiritual guidance, that I personally have had success on this recovery journey. They provided the insight and wisdom, and, I learned how to understand and apply it. The support I have received has changed my life for the better. It all started because I accepted the fact that I needed help to recover from my BPD.

Therefore, never give up searching for the trustworthy people who can guide us through our recovery journey. It is our choice and our right to receive proper help. Remember prayer is power, and for that, God will put the right people along our paths.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Dear Lord,

Help us find the caring people who will support us during our recovery journey. Bless them for making a difference in our lives.

In Jesus’ Name. Amen. 


Jul 12, 2015

When Others Trigger You—Borderline Personality Disorder



It is never ending, the triggers that us borderlines feel. We are reminded of them when we get that wretched feeling in our gut or have those unwelcome thoughts or ideations. The ache within our core takes us to a dark place where all we feel is deep emptiness. Triggers come on so fast that we usually do not foresee them. If we did, we would not be borderlines after all! However we are. One moment we are fine, or high on life, the next life is meaningless. Why? Because from our perspective, the people and the world that surround us, takes away the part of us that seems whole at the time. Despaired, it makes us wonder where our place is in this world.

We often blame others for our triggers. When someone sets us off, we experience automatic negative thoughts and uncomfortable emotions.  All we can feel and think is a deep inner pain. We feel this hollowness within us, a place where we are completely alone. This is what is most painful, that we cannot seem to connect and live freely in this world; that we constantly feel pulled away from it, others and even ourselves. We borderlines are lost within a life of symptoms (view at the bottom of the post) and triggers. A word said from someone, or, the attitude of a person can trigger those emotions and thoughts.

Often the people that trigger us have no idea that they do. We end up walking away from a situation or conversation feeling a sense of emptiness because we are hurt, frustrated or insulted. On the other hand, we sometimes confront the person with anger and unreasonable emotions causing emotional pain towards that person and ourselves. We become overwhelmed at how we reacted over the trigger. Whether we expressed our extreme emotions or kept them to ourselves, no matter what, they eat us up inside. As borderlines, sometimes we behave impulsively because we feel alone and worthless as no one seems to understand what we go through. We wish the triggers would go away so that we could be free from so much torment.

There are different ways we borderlines think, feel and act that affect how we deal with triggers. We often make conclusions and do not examine what the positives are in a situation. We also think in terms of “all good or all nothing”. Here we believe that there is only one good way to a situation, and if that is not the case then we think that everything is very bad or a complete failure. Moreover, we make assumptions not knowing the facts behind a situation. When it comes to controlling our thoughts and emotions, we must be factual, open to a situation, ask for clarification, and not be judgmental. Overall, we must think rationally, which is the hardest thing for a borderline to do. Thought journals are good ways to express the destructive emotions we experience in the moments. It gives us the opportunity to turn our negative thoughts and emotions into positive ones. However, this is never easy for us.

Just the other day, I experienced a trigger that surprised me. I am doing well concerning my mental health, and had not had triggers in a while, when all of a sudden there it was. In those moments, I became down and upset inside. The trigger came from a conversation that I had to endure for twenty minutes. I was insulted and frustrated that this person could not see my point of view and sense I was triggered. I wished for the inner pain to stop but it seemed out of my control. Someone had set me off and my emotions took over. When the conversation ended, I was relieved to no longer be in the presence of this person. However, I was left alone with the aftermath of the situation. The thoughts brewed in my mind as I sensed emptiness within me. It took time for me to let it go but I eventually did. I then realized there was something else that bothered me. There was a problematic situation, bigger than the trigger I had experienced. It was the reason behind it all. I no longer knew where my place was in this situation I thought I had under control.

Learning to control our emotions takes a very long time but is possible. This is the ultimate goal in recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder. We need to become free from our extreme emotions that cause triggers and havoc in our lives. Therapy, medication for some and spirituality can help. It is often within these that there can be a unique transformation in us along our recovery.

In those agonizing moments when we are triggered, we cannot think clearly. This is why once our emotions and thoughts have settled, we must lean on God who comforts and guides us. We cannot heal on our own and we need the Lord to give us discernment so that we can comprehend our perceptions of these triggers. 


Dear Lord,

Free us from triggers and the symptoms associated with them. Guide us along our recovery journey so that we may heal from BPD. Strengthen our faith and free us from our destructive emotions.

In Jesus’ Name. Amen.



Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have problems regulating emotions. Symptoms of this mental illness are distressing to the person’s life and day-to-day functioning. The unstable emotions disrupt interpersonal relationships with family and friends, etc...Individuals with BPD are extremely sensitive and are easily triggered by, for example, a simple word expressed in a conversation or an attitude they sense from another person. From their perception, this is viewed as rejection, therefore they think and react in negative ways. Even an unwelcome memory from the past can bring on a symptom. One of the reasons individuals with BPD react negatively is because their thoughts change so rapidly. One moment they are fine, the next they feel this sense of meaninglessness in their lives.

In their torment, people with a borderline personality suffer with severe symptoms such as anger/rage, sense of worthlessness, deep sense of emptiness, fear of rejection and abandonment. They often cling to others, emotions and their past. There is a pattern where they praise then criticize a person they know or are close with. Sometimes they behave in agitated ways to avoid being alone. Impulsivity, sexual promiscuity and substance abuse can occur as well. Due to their emotional turmoil, they have self-harm ideations and tendencies, and suicidal thoughts and attempts. They can also experience paranoia and dissociation. Lacking self-identity is also a symptom.



Jun 26, 2015

Chained To Emotions—The Sway Of Evil And Borderline Personality Disorder



“If we have to describe Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) without listing the characteristics of all the symptoms, we could say that it is a lonely place and within its world lays darkness. It is not a place of life. It tortures our thoughts and emotions, chaining us to the walls of that world. We are confined and there is no freedom. We are helpless and feel hopeless, desperately crying out in anguish.”   ~ Chantal  (2014)


Many of us individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) who are Christians have experienced the influence of evil in particular ways, often being tempted to do what is not good for our health and our faith. There is definitely a battle happening, be it with symptoms of the mental illness itself or the influence of the evil one. These are two separate things, yet they collide—faith, health and recovery, or the sway of evil. Both play a major factor in our borderline Christian lives, something we should not deny. It is important for us to understand that it is not necessarily the BPD that causes symptoms. The adversary knows we have BPD, an emotional disorder, and therefore uses our vulnerability to cause us to behave in self-destructive ways that mimic our symptoms. Our faith still stands; however, we can still succumb to evil and unfortunately end up sinning. With BPD, what makes us weak is emotionalism—excessive inappropriate or unreasonable display and expression of emotions.

We have to realize that we must find a way to become free of our elated yet destructive emotions. We can go on for years living with the “highs” but we cannot keep living with the deep sense of emptiness. The only solution is to find ourselves, who we really are, without the emotionalism. However, we fear the unknown because all that we have ever felt in our lives are the effects of our emotions. It is a challenge to let them go, especially when we are still chained to the darkness, but if we do not try to heal, symptoms will still devastate us and evil will still have the opportunity to get its way in our borderline world. For example, symptoms such as self-harm can be provoked. Our bodies are the Temple of the Holy Spirit. Evil wants us to defy this. I have self-harmed in the past and know I was not only symptomatic at times but also fighting spiritual battles. What lies at the core of self-harming is that emotionalism. It is therefore understandable why BPD can be a target. What does evil do to us besides separate us from God? It plays with our thoughts, emotions and behavior—the nature of BPD. This is why as Christians who have BPD, our faith is challenged in the midst of our every day lives.

Therefore, we need to do more than to stay stuck in a life full of symptoms, destructive emotions and the sway of evil on our back. It is necessary that we start a recovery journey. Not only do we need to nourish a positive spiritual life, we also need therapy and for some, medication. It is this combination that can bring us to live a healthier and holier life.

Nonetheless, the trials of illness and evil will collide within the recovery journey. It takes years to recover from BPD. There will be many battles to conquer and it is important to know we cannot do it alone. We must ask God wholeheartedly, to be delivered from the tormenting symptoms and the darkness that lures around them. Eventually we will be living a new beginning without the painful emotions and we will start to discover our true selves.

When we fasten the belt of truth in the Armor of God (see Ephesians 6:10-18), we not only protect ourselves spiritually from the deceptions of the evil one, but we stand strong in the truth of who Jesus is and what He has done for us. God gave us His only Son to be our Savior and bring us to an everlasting life. Evil wants us to not believe the truth about Jesus, and the truth of the positive self, happy and holy, we are to become without our destructive emotions. It knows the blessings we will receive and wants to stop this. However, we know the truth that Jesus defeated the adversary. So when the sway of evil comes, open your heart to God and surrender the battle to the Lord.

“But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one.”    
2 Thessalonians 3:3

Dear Lord,

Help us to discern our symptoms from evil. Free us from our emotionalism that hinders our faith and recovery journey.

In Your Name Jesus. Amen


Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have problems regulating emotions. Symptoms of this mental illness are distressing to the person’s life and day-to-day functioning. The unstable emotions disrupt interpersonal relationships with family and friends, etc...Individuals with BPD are extremely sensitive and are easily triggered by, for example, a simple word expressed in a conversation or an attitude they sense from another person. From their perception, this is viewed as rejection, therefore they think and react in negative ways. Even an unwelcomed memory from the past can bring on a symptom. One of the reasons individuals with BPD react negatively is because their thoughts change so rapidly. One moment they are fine, the next they feel this sense of meaninglessness in their lives.

In their torment, people with a borderline personality suffer with severe symptoms such as anger/rage, sense of worthlessness, deep sense of emptiness, and, fear of rejection and abandonment. They often cling to others, emotions and their past. There is a pattern where they praise then criticize a person they know or are close with. Sometimes they behave in agitated ways to avoid being alone. Impulsivity, sexual promiscuity and substance abuse do occur as well. Due to their emotional turmoil, they have self-harm ideations and tendencies, and suicidal thoughts and attempts. They can also experience paranoia and dissociation. Lacking self-identity is also a symptom.